The Self-Doubt Freak-Out

It’s summertime, so I’m spending a lot of time on my favorite activities: laying around the house, Facebook stalking, looking at Pinterest, and thinking of things to worry about. I don’t really like to worry, but I hate to waste all the hours I’ve spent practicing and perfecting my technique. My most productive worrying times are just before I fall asleep and 4 a.m. My most productive time for creative thinking is in the shower. This past Wednesday morning those worlds collided. Shower-brain was busy thinking happy thoughts about our upcoming vacation when all of a sudden my brain must have thought it was 4 a.m. and not 9 a.m. because it started sending me lists of what will probably go wrong. There could be another hurricane, like last year. What if everybody hates me for making them go on a hurricane trip or we have to be rescued by Coast Guard chopper or we’re swept away in the hurricane which is now a sure thing (in my mind). What if the car breaks down and we can’t afford to get home (which would actually be fine with me if we could stay at the beach indefinitely). What if everybody bickers and fights (because we’re trapped inside by the hurricane, remember) or the kids get sick or we end up under a rock slide in the Smokies which is apparently so common they have to put up warning signs on the road? Plus, since I’m being honest, I am kind of afraid of the South. It comes off so badly on TV.

I do this a lot. Panic is my jam. Any new outfit gets its start with me standing in front of the mirror wondering what possessed me to buy it. Changing jobs: insanity. New hairdo: ridiculous. Meeting new people: Anybody have a Xanax? Where are my kids? WHERE ARE MY KIDS? I don't care if they're somewhere between the ages of 23 and 32, they better answer that text I just sent! Even posting on this page makes me a little clammy.

Something I do so often needs a name so I named it the Self-Doubt Freak-Out--it sounds like a line dance or an exercise routine, doesn’t it? Which led me to thoughts of my other favorite thing, Pinterest, which is loaded with exercise suggestions (which only look easy because they’re being performed by some woman with a 12-pack and biceps like the knotted rope in gym class. And then I started thinking about how exercise helps your stress level and mental state, which reminded me of being somewhere recently and someone said they forgot their happy pills and ¾ of the other people in the room either offered one of their happy pills or said they missed being on them, so clearly there’s a need . . . 

And then it hit me.

The Self-Doubt Freak-Out COULD be an exercise routine! Behold . . . 

THE SELF-DOUBT FREAK-OUT
Cure your mind and body in one simple routine!
Do each step for 20 seconds and repeat as necessary throughout the day.

• Drink 16 oz. of hot, filtered spring water with the juice of one organic, fresh-squeezed lemon.*
• Stretch [the truth].
• Run [away from your problems] in place.
• Plank--hit yourself in the head with one [in regret].
• Skip [logic].
• Find something too heavy to pick up, preferably something that’s not yours. Lift it anyway. Carrying a burden that's not yours to carry is good for your moral fiber as well as muscle fiber.

* The hot lemon water is just there because if you follow this routine, within a few minutes your most immediate concern will become finding a bathroom instead of your imaginary problems. And because Pinterest says it’s healthy.

Let my pain be your gain. You’re welcome.

Do you do the Self Doubt Freak Out? What’s your favorite topic?